Friday 4 July 2008

Self destructive habits

I'm writing this seperately to the one I posted moments ago coz it's an unrelated matter... well kinda.

I'm feeling kind of ashamed of myself. A pattern of behaviour has resurfaced recently, it's an old program of mine that I probably picked up during my childhood and over many years of acquiring various insecurities and anxieties, its developed into a very nasty and self-destructive mental complex that I'm having trouble erasing.

It has already cost me much in the past and I feel doomed to repeat it all over again and ruin something just as special. And I know what people might be thinking: "if you are aware of what you're doing, and you know what it is going to lead to, then why do you keep doing it?" I used to get really frustrated with a friend of mine in the past because whenever I used to confide in her with my problems she never acted like she had any sympathy for me, and took it on herself "to be cruel to be kind". I never understood why she was like this and I used to get annoyed with her attitude because I knew full well that had I given her the same treatment she gives me when she wants to unload her problems, she would react in exactly the same way.

But now I'm understanding why she was like that. She used to say the exact same thing I said a minute ago about "why act like this, or become upset by this when you're aware of what you're doing?"... And she's completely right.

I know when my behaviour is wrong, and it's not even like I become aware of this after an event where I have been a little shit, I'm often aware of it at the time. I can hear that voice in my head screaming for a little rationality, asking for a moments pause to heed the opinions of reason and objectivity, but instead I follow the program that is being run by my emotions... No matter how logical and pragmatic I may seem, my emotions and their needs will always take over and lead me on a terrible path of self destruction. It's ended a relationship and caused strains on various friendships over the years which is why I need to knock it on the head before it leaves me deeply unhappy and I end up pushing the people I care about away.

You see it's not enough to continously be apologizing all the time. Anyone can say sorry. I say sorry all the time and I really do mean it everytime but I can't keep it up. I can't keep saying sorry if I go and do the same thing again, it will render the word useless and make it so it has no meaning for me whenever it passes through my lips. It's like telling someone you love them over and over, the word is so big you can only cheapen it through overuse. Saying sorry and asking forgiveness is a big thing to ask of someone as well, if you have to do it frequently for the same thing over and over then what are you saying about what that person means to you? That you would rather continue hurting them and aplogising for it afterwards, rather than actually giving them the love and respect that they deserve by not hurting them in that way again in the first place?

It's time to start learning again.

You may be thinking that I'm being hard on myself. People often say that about me and a friend has made that remark about me a couple of times recently. Personally I see it the other way around: I am not being hard enough on myself.

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